teach me to be broken

The Real Me
by Natalie Grant

Foolish heart looks like we're here again
Same old game of plastic smile
Don't let anybody in
Hiding my heartache, will this glass house break
How much will they take before I'm empty
Do I let it show, does anybody know?

But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me

Painted on, life is behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
I'm tired of the song and dance
Living a Charade, always on parade
What a mess I've made of my existence
But you love me even now
And still I see somehow

But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me

Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me
You're turning the tattered fabric of my life into
A perfect tapestry
I just wanna be me

But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me

And you love me just as I am

Wonderful, Beautiful is what you see
When you look at me

where are you...where are you....
I'm here. I'm here.
where are you, God? i need you so. please don't let me go. don't let me go. hold my heart. embrace me.

"i won't go up. I won't," i resolved in my heart.

but when Ps Melvyn began to call out, when God began to reach out, it crumbled. i really did want to go up. but then, what? would it just end there? i didn't know. but all i knew was, this was for me. jacob running away. i have been literally running away from people these few weeks. and then, Ps Eugene said, "fear of man," and oh i knew, i had to go. i had to. He was calling me.

so i went, and my heart did a small turn when i realized i was smack in the centre at the aisles. tried to be as nonchalant and unfearful as possible.

all i wanted, willed myself to do was just come before God, my Father. i said in my heart i didn't need an experience, but i wanted Him. i just wanted to be in His presence. i definitely did not set out to cry :) but i felt, His gentle gentle love embrace my heart. all over me.

my sister Roxanne, from Ps Lily's cluster came alongside with me and prayed. and God spoke so clearly through her. i told her nothing. but she had faith to release His Words of truth, love and grace. and it meant so much to me. just spoke to the core of my heart. the center of my struggle.

and i remember sobbing from the depths of my heart (stomach) as she encouraged me to just release everything. fear. things kept in for so long. pain. i think, it is the safest place to be. crying and being weak before my loving Father God. being me, the real me. weak. ugly. i had to face up to everyone of them and experience it all over. that's what i've been running from. and that's how it ended. healed in the embrace of God.

as she held my hand, it felt as if God was holding mine. even all the way out as we headed to the consolidation room to continue. a few weeks ago, i told God i wanted to bring to light the things inside and to confess and be set free. and He did. today. God gave me 2 verses through Roxanne and Melissa later.

..that i am His beloved daughter in whom He is well pleased...
even before i started serving. even before i do all the things i do. stop striving.

...perfect love casts out all fear...
to overcome my fears, just know that God loves me totally and completely. do it in His perfect love. just focus on Him. and for a split second, God gave me a foretaste of that. so focused in Him that i don't even think about my problems.

...a broken and contrite heart He will not despise...
coz He cares...

and Shirley also. she said all we have to do is just be His child. just be. not all the things we have to do as a Christian. i honestly thought she was going to say all we have to do is love Him. but she said just be His child. that's the crux of it after all. just being a daughter, a daughter. loving her Heavenly Father and being so loved. and the rest just fall into place. but it's not easy, ain't it? :) but we do. and when we fall, God doesn't give up. and He hasn't. He hasn't.

during worship, God said to my heart...
Do you trust My Word? I don't know. it's hard. But I trust You. Your character. Because You are a good God.

Be like a child again. humble, always learning. don't think you know so much. always have the attitude, "you don't know enough"